When you don’t have a 100% to give.
Musings on the constant pressure to be more & better, and why I don’t want to be either.
The other day, one of my dearest friends from Trinidad sent me some images of what I deem an amazing and successful designer, and told me that she sees my own little brand going in the same direction. I thanked her for the compliment, but expressed my doubts. She winked, ‘you can if you really wanted to, just saying’. She’s right, of course. At the end of the day, isn’t that the mantra that all of us, millennials, had beaten into us since we remember ourselves? ‘If you really-really want something, if you work very-very hard for it, you can achieve anything!’ I told my friend, that there are things in life that you can only do if you give them a 100%, and if I am being honest, I can’t give a 100% to any one thing in my life right now. Maybe that’s how dreams die; maybe it’s freedom from parental, social and personal pressure at long last.
I am currently trying to get my novel published, and for the first time in a few years I find myself facing the good old anxieties of trying to convince others that I am worth their while. It brings back the memories of applying for jobs. You must show initiative. Work well under pressure. Take on challenges with enthusiasm, and failures with a smile. Be self-sufficient. Be a team player. A people’s person. A fast learner. A go-getter! Are you willing to give a 150% for an opportunity of a lifetime? Do you live and breathe your work? I mean, I guess I’m supposed to as a creative, but actually, I kind of don’t. The times when I was what’s considered ‘a go-getter’ are long gone, and I’ve never been a good team player, if I’m truthful. Working under pressure turns me into a mean bitch with a bad temper. Being a people’s person exhausts me. Also, sleep has become really important in my life, so there is very little I’d prioritise over it. So where does someone like me apply to be successful? Or should I just accept that I’m not making it through the natural selection of this competition we are all part of?
Yes, I too can lie and pretend to be better than I really am, but the truth remains the same: there is no career in this world that I can give ‘a 150%’, — because, let’s get real, there is only a 100% to give! — and I need at least 50% of those to nurture meaningful relationships in my life. Then I need some to take care of my body and my mind, and to be creative, to contemplate, to write letters, to read books, to dance in my living room, to watch the sky and the TV shows, to journal, to have long breakfast dates, to learn how to use the drill and the pasta machine, to talk to my plants, to sit with my sadness, to cry, to do nothing. And whatever’s left, I can spend on chasing dreams, like this one of being a published author, or that other one, of being a fashion designer. Is it really so blasphemous to admit to this out loud? Does this have to mean that I am lazy, unworthy?
I want to believe that there are more people like me out there. People who are in every way wholesome, but are constantly told that they are not what this industry/city/world is looking for, that they are not working hard enough, not sacrificing enough for their success. I wish I could hug each and every one of you out there and say, hey, there are so many ways to be successful in this life! Not one way is the right one. I wish I could tell them what I so painfully want to hear myself these days: you don’t have to suffer to be good at what you do, you don’t have to fight every single day, you are enough. It’s OK if you don’t really-really-life-or-death want something. Even your own dreams. It’s ok to just… be.
